Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Cougaring with my Bestie

I am SO excited! My best friend is coming to visit and we are finally going to get the chance to catch up on 8 months of missed girl talk.

I have missed her sooooo much and I can not wait to spend some time going to bars, drinking shots, checking out guys, hittin' a few male strip clubs, partying with the likes of Tiger Woods, Jesse James and John Edwards.
I am totally kidding!

Our life is a bit more pleasantly boring than that. We are going to take over her brother-in-law's beach house, stay up late talking, sleep in, drink coffee, watch the waves, spend way too much time in our pajamas, eat too much, drink too much, laugh way more than anyone would ever understand and spend the days playing with her precious little girl.

So if you need me, just listen for the beach house that sounds like it's housing a family of hyenas............and then turn around and walk away because we won't let you in anyway.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Proud to Introduce....

Larry Deux.....

Look, he even has a little lemon starting to grow...

Please don't tell him that he is in the death pot from Larry the 1st.....I really don't want him to think he is doomed before he even has a chance to let his soil settle.

Monday, March 15, 2010


Not that there are many guys who read this.....but for the few who do I would like to give you some advice that you never asked for....
If you are having an affair, you can bet your sorry ass that the woman you are having it with can not wait until the day that she can make sure your wife, your kids, your parents, and your pastor know every disgusting detail, so if you would prefer that they not find out what a scum bucket you are, you should probably try a little harder to keep it in your pants.

Exhibit A:

Rielle Hunter and John (or should I say "Johnny"?) Edwards.

As soon as she was able to lose all the baby fat and look good in a ridiculous pose (especially for someone who is trying to claim she isn't a slut) while wearing a man's white dress shirt (really subtle Rielle), she blessed GQ with a completely pathetic interview. She claims that she isn't a predator, that Johnny's wife was verbally abusive and that he would have been pummeled by his wife if he had told her there were problems in their marriage.

Ummmmm, would this have been before or after his wife was trying to help him hide his secret illegitimate baby from the world, standing by his sorry cheating ass while he was running for President, raising his children and trying to keep them in the dark about what an ass their father was or while she was dealing with fighting CANCER? I guess she ran out of time for the pummeling! Too bad too, because he could have used a good pummeling.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Like, teenagers are sooooo whatever!

This weekend I had the unique opportunity to be surrounded by a bunch of teenagers that I didn't know for 13 straight (and incredibly long) hours.
Here is what I learned....

Teen aged boys have no end to what they can eat.
I watched a boy eat three full size bagels, four donuts, a snickers, two glasses of orange juice and a fruit cup only to ask 30 minutes later if it was okay if he grabbed a bite to eat because he was starving.

Teen aged girls eat healthy when boys are watching. When a boy was near by, the girls were all...."Oh, will you split this grape with me, I couldn't possibly eat this whole thing by myself", but when the boys left the room they scarfed down every chocolate covered thing they could get their hands on.

They think nothing of taking 200 pictures of themselves a day.

Apparently, if it was posted on Facebook it is in, "No, I am positive that she did it, I saw Tiffani's comment on Amber's post about it"

The word "like" is required to be said at least 10,000 times a day by every teenager or they will have their teenager card taken away from, for real.

I have to say, it was kind of a fun I hope that I get a chance to repeat in about, oh..I don't know....maybe 20 years.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Fuzzy Donut Math

Today I had to go preorder 6 dozen donuts for the concession stand that I am in charge of at my daughter's high school dance competition this weekend. I am not trying to play on any type of stereotype here, but this particular donut shop happens to be owned and operated by two Asian women.

(Let me just pause here for a second to say that if you ever go to a donut shop that isn't owned by an Asian woman you should leave it immediately and find the closest one that is because the rest of the world knows what you don't and that is that there is some kind of secret donut making school somewhere over on the other side of the Pacific Ocean that teaches these amazing women how to make the lightest, fluffiest and most sugar-coma inducing donuts in the world!)

I wasn't sure what time the donut shop closed on weekdays, and I am not what you would call a morning person, so for me to come skidding in to the parking lot at the crack of 9am was quite impressive. Thank goodness they were still open and the morning rush of people who actually get up and showered before Regis and Kelly is over were all gone. I explained to the woman at the counter that I needed to order 6 dozen donuts that I would need to pick up on Saturday morning at 5:30 am. If her blank stare was any indication, I think what she heard me say was "blah blah blah blah donuts blah blah blah". Hmmmmm, this was going to be harder than I had hoped.

Thankfully another woman came from behind the curtain and seemed to have a little more of a grasp of the English language as she smiled at me. I explained again...6 dozen donuts, 5:30 am Saturday pick up. She got out a receipt form and started writing, so I felt like we were going to make it this time. I asked her about how much it would be and she said, "I make you a good deal, how about $50?". I have no idea if that is a good deal or not, I'm not the donut buyer in my family. I am the one who stays in bed as my hubby and my tiniest early riser get up and head out, with her still in her pjs, to get donuts for the family on those random Sundays when making a big family breakfast just seems more than we are capable of.

I smile my approval at $50 while wondering if my husband is going to be proud of the deal I got or if he is going to laugh at me and tell me that he would have been able to get it for $20.

Now here is where it all got a little confusing for me......the woman who clearly didn't seem to know what I was saying earlier heard the $50 comment and rung up $44 on the register and just kind of stared at me.

I guess I'm getting a discount! Woo Hoo, won't my husband be proud. I happily handed her my debit card.

She holds my card, pushes a button on the cash register and all of a sudden that $44 becomes $60. WHAT??? Granted, it's not like $60 is going to break the donut bank.....but I am just trying to figure out how this math is working. I know that I pretty much mailed in my college math courses (unless of course you are my college aged daughters reading this, in which case I worked diligently and tirelessly to make great grades) but I still can't figure out what is going on with the price of these donuts.

The nicer of the two women comes over, looks at the total that my card is being charged and starts yelling at the other woman. Mind you, it sound like yelling to me because it's loud, there is lots of hand movements and it sounds angry....but the woman who is being yelled at doesn't seem to react like she is being yelled at so for all I know she is just being told that they are out of flour.

The smiling woman proceeds to grab a box and start shoving it full of donuts. She hands me a box full of donuts that can barely close and says, "my thank you".

there may
have been
that were
eaten before
this picture
was taken..
don't judge!)

I'm basically still trying to figure out if I got a good deal or not. Honestly though, the high I am getting from all this chocolate icing is making it a little hard for me to care....maybe that was that nice Asian lady's plan. If so, watch out....they could take over the planet with that plan.