Friday, September 24, 2010

Hello Kitty hates quickbooks too!

This week I decided to prove to myself that I am a complete and total idiot. . Okay, to be fair, I didn't so much set out to prove that I was just sort of came to me. A few months ago my husband quit the corporate world and opened his own business. Yay for no more travel, yay for no more business dinners, yay for no more huge dry cleaning bills, yay for no more corporate crap......but boo that I am now the person in charge of the financial reports for his business. I am a REALLY organized person. I have a color coded calendar for goodness sake. I can pretty much tell you where anyone in my family will be at any given moment...I can tell you exactly how much is in any one of our accounts at any given moment....I can tell you what day almost every single one of our bills is due and what the normal payment is. The catch is, I do this all on paper.....I prefer to keep my laptop, i-phone and i-pad free for fun stuff like facebook, shopping, blogging or playing. I know that every single person out there who pays their bills on line will tell me that it is waaaayyyyy easier to just type in a few numbers every month rather than have to sit down and write out checks....what can I say?....I'm just old fashioned. Well, the attorney that we went to in order to set up my husband's business said that we needed to go see a CPA. I drug my feet for as long as I could because I knew that no CPA was going to dig my 'Hello Kitty notebook' way of keeping my finances straight.....and sadly I was right. The damn CPA said the word that I was dreading the most.......'QUICKBOOKS'!!!!!! . NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to!!!!!.

I bought the stupid thing and let it sit on my kitchen table for a week......nothing! See, I told you it was worthless.

I went and bought "Quickbooks For Dummies" only to be embarrassed to realize that what I really need is "Quickbooks for people who have apparently had lobotomies and who should not even be allowed to operate a computer".

I have never felt so stupid in my entire life...and I haven't even installed it yet! Can you only imagine how much worse it's going to be when I actually have to try to use it for real??

Can anyone give me a referral for a CPA out there who would be happy with being handed a Hello Kitty notebook?? Please???

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Greeeaaat, now I am itchy!!

When I first read the story about the bed bug infestation in New York I have to admit that I kind of laughed. Those silly New Yorkers and their apartment living.....why can't they just give up the glamour of living in the heart of the world and move somewhere boring that doesn't have a ridiculously large rat population and a bed bug problem?
But now it seems like those crazy New Yorkers were just ahead of the trend again because the bed bug infestation has gone more global than skinny jeans.
I am reading everyday about the infestation of movie theatres, clothing stores, massive buildings.....all of whom have no beds for the bed bugs to lie in so those little blood suckers have had to find new and creative ways to hide out.
Today I had to take my little one shopping for blue jeans, and because jeans now come in low rise, high rise, skinny, boot cut, wide leg, peg leg, jegging, pirate one peg leg etc..... with sizes like slim, , 1/2 and regular, there is no way you can buy a pair of jeans for anyone with out trying them on. Only the entire time I am making her try them on I am thinking, "Is that gnat really a bed bug in disguise?", "Is that just a loose stitch or is that a colony of bed bugs that have flattened themselves and are hiding out pretending to be a loose stitch so that I won't see them and they can attack my poor helpless baby girl?" I even found myself looking at the sales girl and wondering if maybe she was a great big bed bug who had taken over the poor helpless sales girl's body.
All I know is I am home and I am itchy!!!

Friday, September 3, 2010

The mother ship has landed

There was quite a stir the other day when a "mega-yacht" anchored in San Diego. People said it looked a bit like a 'sci-fi submarine' or an 'alien watercraft'.....which is funny because I didn't even realize that we knew what alien watercraft looked like. Now that I know I feel much safer realizing that if I am ever at the beach and a ship looking like this one comes near me I can cause a total and complete panic among the other beach goers by screaming "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES PEOPLE.....THIS IS NOT A DRILL....THE ALIENS HAVE LANDED!!!!" and all the families who were enjoying their day at the beach will hug me, thank me and treat me as their hero for saving their souls from being sucked from their bodies and replaced with the soul of an alien who wants to live among humans and learn our secrets. You know, like what does McDonalds put in their fryer to make their french fries better than Burger Kings....or why do we humans feel that we have to talk SO much louder on our cell phones than on any other phone in the world.
.............but I digress....

People were all abuzz about the fact that this yacht was owned by a 38 year old Russian billionaire and that it had a freaking 2,583 sq ft master suite with a $40,000 faucet and a $60,000 stair banister and a crew of 35 who were all wearing matching outfits that had been specifically designed in keeping with the modern design of the vessel. But the part that I kept focusing on was the fact that the master suite is wrapped in bullet proof glass and has a fingerprint scanner at the door.
Now Mr. Billionaire dude, I am trying to give you the benefit of the doubt that you made your billions doing something perfectly legal and for the good of helpless children and animals and that you are just taking precautions against those nasty Somalian pirates......but I have an inkling that there is something sinister in your Russian source of income when you have to surround yourself in bullet proof glass. I'm just saying, it looks bad.