Guess what came in the mail?!?!?!

After waiting for way longer than any person should have to wait......after standing in more DMV lines than anyone should have to stand in......after being yelled at, put on fraud alert and pretty much being told by the state of California to get out of their State....they finally sent me my driver's license!!!!!!!

Now, for obvious reasons I am not going to post a picture of the actual license..but since I want you all to share in my joy I am letting you see an artist rendering of what finally came in the mail this week.

As you will notice by the picture, they have my face fairly off center and I was having a really bad hair day.........but I got my license!!!! Woo Hoo!!!!

It's really not funny anymore!

Anyone want to guess where I was this morning??? Come on, guess!

I'll give you a hint.....I have written about this magical place twice before on this blog. ........That's right----I was at the freakin' California DMV trying to get my driver's license. AGAIN!!!!!!

If you don't recall what has being going on with me and the amazingly well trained DMV employees, let me give you a little recap. First, they changed me into a male on my paperwork and weren't all that thrilled with having to change me back since the state had already paid the enormous amount of money that it took to print and mail that license. Then they sent me a license with all my information and my assigned license number but the picture of a lovely blonde woman who looked like she had probably been smoking a cigarette as they were taking the picture and whom I am fairly certain is not me. I went back to the DMV for the THIRD time and had another picture taken and was told that everything was straightened out and they were sure that everything would go smoothly from now on. Then they apparently decided to put my records on 'fraud hold' which for all intensive purposes meant I would never get a license!!! I waited and waited and waited to see if the third time would be the charm for my CA driver's license but it just never came. I called the 1-800 line, sat on hold listening to music that made me slightly suicidal for 45 minutes and then was told that my license was in the DMV fraud department and I would need to call them to clear things up.

I did.....and it didn't!!!! I did however have the opportunity to get yelled at by a woman in the fraud department who was apparently having a bad day and needed to vent her frustration at someone.....so, that was fun.

Today, since my 30 day waiting period had flown by with no license being delivered to me, I had to go back in and request a new license with a new number so that whatever fraud is being perpetuated under the first number that was assigned to me will not be associated with me.

Let's get real here though, given everything else that has gone wrong, do any of us really believe that I'm not going to end up in jail trying to convince the DMV that they have made a horrible case of mistaken identity????

Please visit me in jail......and bring my old Texas driver's license with you when you come so that they will know which inmate you are there to see!

Please "luxuriate" over this post!

I know that I need to stop watching reality tv---- it is like passing an accident on the highway... you know that you shouldn't look over there because you don't really want to see something that might scar you for life but no matter how hard you try avoid it, you know in the end that you are going to take a good long look.

I do okay with not watching regular network reality tv.....'The Bachelor' holds no interest whatsoever for me....but put a reality show on E! or on Bravo and you can bet that no matter how much I swear that I will not get caught up in it, I'll be setting my DVR before I can even finish saying, "Oh my goodness, they have gone too far now...no one will ever watch THAT show!"

I watch all the housewives shows....there isn't a state out there who's crazy egomaniac women with money don't fascinate me beyond words, but I honestly have surprised even myself with my newest "must see" show......

Please tell me you have watched this show at least once!!!

I go INSANE watching this show because it makes all of us from the south seem like complete and total idiots. These women LIVE for these pageants...they spend thousands of dollars on fake hair, fake teeth, fake tans, tons of makeup and ridiculously poufy dresses all in hope that they can take home a crown and a grand prize of less cash than what it cost them to buy all the crap they had to buy to make their sweet faced little girls look like 20 year old drag queens.

But the part that really bothers me is how dumb some of these woman sound when they talk. This week my new favorite phrase came from a mom who said things like, "she is going to luxuriate across the stage" or showed her daughter how to walk the stage by saying, "let me luxuriate for you right now". Lord help us all!!! How, just HOW do you "luxuriate" for someone????? Those pageant fees would be better spent going towards a college fund for that poor girl to overcome the language that she is being taught.

Now, if you will excuse me...I have to go luxuriate my way over to the high school to pick up my daughter and get her started in the pageant world!

I forgot I had a blog....so sue me!

You know how sometimes life just gets busy and you forget things?? You know, basic things like feeding the dog, doing the laundry, the fact that you have kids.....that kind of stuff??
No???
Yeah, me either.
But I did kind of forget that I had a blog out there waiting for me. I signed on today hoping that a ghost writer had filled in for me during my absence....no such luck!

Not much new going on here, but I have a few quick updates to my ridiculously exciting life to tell you about.

~~~We had another earthquake......which is no longer funny! I'm really not okay with the feeling of the earth moving, just so you know!

~~~In less than two weeks school is going to be out for the summer and I am going to become nothing more than a taxi driver who works for no tips.....yay summer!

~~~My husband and I went to Palm Springs for the weekend with some friends. We had a great time, but since I was with another couple I had to be on my best behavior....I couldn't let them know what a stalker I really am.
See, Barry Manilow lives in Palm Springs and through nothing illegal, I happen to have his address (don't ask). I wasn't sure that his house was going to be close to where we were staying so I wasn't really planning to go drive by (or scale the wall and sneak up to the door claiming to be a pizza delivery person so that I could try to catch a glimpse of the man who, long ago, was supposed to eye me in one of his concerts and ask me to spend the rest of my life with him and possibly his boyfriend). However, when I put the address in my navigation system it showed that we were only five minutes away from the man who has been a part of my life since the first time I heard Copacabana in elementary school and sat at the edge of my bed waiting to hear who, just WHO died by that single gunshot.....Tony or Ricco??????
So, since it was only five minutes away we (me) decided to drive up to the gate of his house. Do you people get what I am saying?????? I was on the exact road that Barry drives up every day to get to his home!!!! I was at the gate that he goes through to drive his car into his garage!!! I was on holy ground as far as every Fanilow in America is concerned. I would have gotten out of the car, risked being shot at by security guards, jumped on the wall surrounding his house and screamed, "BAAAAAARRRRRRYYYYYYY", but I didn't want my friends to realize that I had lost all sense of reality just by being on that driveway so instead I said, "Cool".
We then drove off and abandoned all hope of Barry seeing me out there yelling his name and thinking to himself, 'I should invite her in for a drink because she doesn't look at all like a crazy woman'.

C'mon time, stop flying by....please!!!!

One of my baby girls is turning 15 today.......and as much as I am ridiculously proud of the young woman she has become, this is still what I expect to see every morning when she gets out of bed.

Please let Ashton Kutcher be behind this!

Please, please, please tell me that we are being punked and that there is no truth to the rumor that these are the mascots of the London Summer Olympics.

Honestly, I don't even know where to start.....the one eyed monsters, the blue crotch, the lobster claws on one and the oven mitts on the other.....are they Olympic mascots or some kind of weird drug induced warped sex statement??

C'mon, it's a joke right???? I really need this to be a joke!

A three pound murderer!!!!!

Okay, so you know how Larry the Lemon tree died even though we could never really figure out why???......and now we have Larry Deux, who is flourishing in the loving environment of our home????

Well.....the other day my husband went outside to do something and said that the back yard smelled bad. I went out there to check it out and he was right, it smelled like poo (literally, like poo). We searched all over the yard and finally decided that one of the neighbors must have fertilized with manure.

Then later my husband went back out to grill dinner and he came stomping in the house looking for our poor, helpless, teeny tiny teacup poodle who would NEVER hurt a fly and would break down in tears if you so much as suggested that he had done something wrong. My husband was all.."BAD BOY, BAD BAD BOY....you are trying to kill Larry" so I immediately went into mommy protective mode and swooped up my poor baby boy and asked what in the world was going on.

I guess that while grilling, my hubby had walked over to check on Larry and noticed that the smell was especially strong right near my beautiful Lemon Tree. He then looked into the pan under the pot and saw this.....and he jumped to the very mean, awful, horrifically wrong conclusion that my poor little baby boy must be peeing in the drain pan and that was why it smelled so bad. He is also convinced that Remi is doing it on purpose to try to kill Larry because of jealousy over my affection for Larry. I'm not really convinced that it looks like pee to me, but my husband was very convinced and VERY irritated.

Next thing I know, he is putting something under Larry to raise him out of 'pee reach' of our poor little innocent dog.

I personally think it might be overkill.......and in all honesty, my theory is that the fertilizer in Larry's soil is probably just draining down into the pan and it has nothing to do with the poor puppy who is being accused, but I can't be sure so I am just going to let Remi speak for himself...

Okay then, that is good enough for me