They want a heatwave???

Oh my goodness, Californians crack me up!

So, yesterday I am sitting on the beach with some friends....not a cloud in the sky....a perfect 78 degree August day.....the beach was empty and I do mean empty, like practically 'have it to ourselves' kind of empty.....the waves were beautiful and the sun was shining when the talk turned to the weather.

Everyone started complaining about the fact that it was such a mild summer and that we just didn't seem to have more than one week of really warm weather. I laughed and said that, coming from Texas where you could go 90 days in a row never dipping below 100 degrees, I was going to go on record as saying that I couldn't believe they were complaining about not being hot enough.

One of my dear friends said, "Yes, but this is California and we expect perfect weather!"

You crazy Californians.....THIS IS PERFECT!!!!! Have you people lost your minds???? The rest of the world is running their air conditioners like mad, praying they don't break down and trying to figure out what bank they are going to have to rob to pay the electric bill. They are dumping ice in their pools to cool them off. They are buying those little spray mister thingys so that they can walk to their mailboxes without passing out. They can not risk walking barefoot for fear of literally burning the skin off of their feet.

God, if you read my blog (which I'm guessing is not so much the process of "reading" it as just "knowing" what it says) please, please, please don't listen to all those other Californians who are asking for heat. Ignore them and leave us with the perfect weather that they just don't seem to know is perfect.

Oh and God, if you are listening.....could you also lower the real estate prices around here and maybe talk to that big ugly spider who keeps making the biggest web I've ever seen on my back porch and ask him to stop. Okay? Thanks

I really suck at blogging

It's a good thing that I do this blog for the entertainment of 2 people because if I had hundreds of readers like the good bloggers do, they would all be egging my house by now because of my lack of writing.

What can I say, it's been a busy summer.....and to be fair, I have had viral pneumonia for about 4 weeks and unlike the fabulous housewives of the 50's who would wear their pearls with their housecoats while they were sick and the only real way that you knew they were sick was because of the tissue they were carrying around with them....I tend to look, speak and act more like Linda Blair in "The Exorcist" when I am sick. Yes, I know....my husband is a very lucky man.


I'm better now, thanks for asking, and I am ready to pretend that anyone cares what I have to say again...............except that I don't really have anything to say. So I am just going to leave you with a picture we took when we went to drop our daughter off in Florida.


I'm not sure why this cracks me up so much, but it does.

Alright OC...I'll give you this one!

I have now lived in Orange County for one full year....and I still compare everything to how it was back home, so sue me.

Well, OC.....you rocked this one!

My husband and I decided to take the kids to the OC Fair on what seems to be the only day all summer that everyone has been off of work on the same day. I was really excited to spend the day with my kids, but I have to admit that I wasn't overly optimistic about what the fair was going to be like.

C'mon people, I'm from Texas ......The Texas State Fair is legendary. Schools of kids go down and watch as Big Tex is put together bit by bit and dressed in his finest western wear. News crews sit around and wait for that first sound bite of Big Tex saying, "Howdy Folks, Welcome to the Fair".

The rides are scary insane, the games are ridiculously hard to win, the animals smell like yesterdays garbage.....you know, a typical fair.......with the exception of the corn dogs!!!! Nothing typical about those bad boys.....they are what keep you going back year after year. They are so good that even Oprah almost flipped a gasket when she tried one.

So seriously, I wasn't really expecting much from the OC fair.

Oh. My. Gosh. Orange County, look at you go.....you know how to throw a fair!

It was HUGE! There were way more games, rides, food, and entertainment choices than we were used to. Heck, there was an entire huge craft fair in the midst of the dang thing. I was stunned.

Now, I have to admit that I wasn't brave/stupid enough to try the fair specialties of fried butter or chocolate dipped fried bacon. For some reason, anything being sold at a counter called the "Heart Attack Cafe" seemed like a good thing to avoid......but we did enjoy some Texas BBQ.

Guess what came in the mail?!?!?!

After waiting for way longer than any person should have to wait......after standing in more DMV lines than anyone should have to stand in......after being yelled at, put on fraud alert and pretty much being told by the state of California to get out of their State....they finally sent me my driver's license!!!!!!!

Now, for obvious reasons I am not going to post a picture of the actual license..but since I want you all to share in my joy I am letting you see an artist rendering of what finally came in the mail this week.

As you will notice by the picture, they have my face fairly off center and I was having a really bad hair day.........but I got my license!!!! Woo Hoo!!!!

It's really not funny anymore!

Anyone want to guess where I was this morning??? Come on, guess!

I'll give you a hint.....I have written about this magical place twice before on this blog. ........That's right----I was at the freakin' California DMV trying to get my driver's license. AGAIN!!!!!!

If you don't recall what has being going on with me and the amazingly well trained DMV employees, let me give you a little recap. First, they changed me into a male on my paperwork and weren't all that thrilled with having to change me back since the state had already paid the enormous amount of money that it took to print and mail that license. Then they sent me a license with all my information and my assigned license number but the picture of a lovely blonde woman who looked like she had probably been smoking a cigarette as they were taking the picture and whom I am fairly certain is not me. I went back to the DMV for the THIRD time and had another picture taken and was told that everything was straightened out and they were sure that everything would go smoothly from now on. Then they apparently decided to put my records on 'fraud hold' which for all intensive purposes meant I would never get a license!!! I waited and waited and waited to see if the third time would be the charm for my CA driver's license but it just never came. I called the 1-800 line, sat on hold listening to music that made me slightly suicidal for 45 minutes and then was told that my license was in the DMV fraud department and I would need to call them to clear things up.

I did.....and it didn't!!!! I did however have the opportunity to get yelled at by a woman in the fraud department who was apparently having a bad day and needed to vent her frustration at someone.....so, that was fun.

Today, since my 30 day waiting period had flown by with no license being delivered to me, I had to go back in and request a new license with a new number so that whatever fraud is being perpetuated under the first number that was assigned to me will not be associated with me.

Let's get real here though, given everything else that has gone wrong, do any of us really believe that I'm not going to end up in jail trying to convince the DMV that they have made a horrible case of mistaken identity????

Please visit me in jail......and bring my old Texas driver's license with you when you come so that they will know which inmate you are there to see!

Please "luxuriate" over this post!

I know that I need to stop watching reality tv---- it is like passing an accident on the highway... you know that you shouldn't look over there because you don't really want to see something that might scar you for life but no matter how hard you try avoid it, you know in the end that you are going to take a good long look.

I do okay with not watching regular network reality tv.....'The Bachelor' holds no interest whatsoever for me....but put a reality show on E! or on Bravo and you can bet that no matter how much I swear that I will not get caught up in it, I'll be setting my DVR before I can even finish saying, "Oh my goodness, they have gone too far now...no one will ever watch THAT show!"

I watch all the housewives shows....there isn't a state out there who's crazy egomaniac women with money don't fascinate me beyond words, but I honestly have surprised even myself with my newest "must see" show......

Please tell me you have watched this show at least once!!!

I go INSANE watching this show because it makes all of us from the south seem like complete and total idiots. These women LIVE for these pageants...they spend thousands of dollars on fake hair, fake teeth, fake tans, tons of makeup and ridiculously poufy dresses all in hope that they can take home a crown and a grand prize of less cash than what it cost them to buy all the crap they had to buy to make their sweet faced little girls look like 20 year old drag queens.

But the part that really bothers me is how dumb some of these woman sound when they talk. This week my new favorite phrase came from a mom who said things like, "she is going to luxuriate across the stage" or showed her daughter how to walk the stage by saying, "let me luxuriate for you right now". Lord help us all!!! How, just HOW do you "luxuriate" for someone????? Those pageant fees would be better spent going towards a college fund for that poor girl to overcome the language that she is being taught.

Now, if you will excuse me...I have to go luxuriate my way over to the high school to pick up my daughter and get her started in the pageant world!

I forgot I had a blog....so sue me!

You know how sometimes life just gets busy and you forget things?? You know, basic things like feeding the dog, doing the laundry, the fact that you have kids.....that kind of stuff??
No???
Yeah, me either.
But I did kind of forget that I had a blog out there waiting for me. I signed on today hoping that a ghost writer had filled in for me during my absence....no such luck!

Not much new going on here, but I have a few quick updates to my ridiculously exciting life to tell you about.

~~~We had another earthquake......which is no longer funny! I'm really not okay with the feeling of the earth moving, just so you know!

~~~In less than two weeks school is going to be out for the summer and I am going to become nothing more than a taxi driver who works for no tips.....yay summer!

~~~My husband and I went to Palm Springs for the weekend with some friends. We had a great time, but since I was with another couple I had to be on my best behavior....I couldn't let them know what a stalker I really am.
See, Barry Manilow lives in Palm Springs and through nothing illegal, I happen to have his address (don't ask). I wasn't sure that his house was going to be close to where we were staying so I wasn't really planning to go drive by (or scale the wall and sneak up to the door claiming to be a pizza delivery person so that I could try to catch a glimpse of the man who, long ago, was supposed to eye me in one of his concerts and ask me to spend the rest of my life with him and possibly his boyfriend). However, when I put the address in my navigation system it showed that we were only five minutes away from the man who has been a part of my life since the first time I heard Copacabana in elementary school and sat at the edge of my bed waiting to hear who, just WHO died by that single gunshot.....Tony or Ricco??????
So, since it was only five minutes away we (me) decided to drive up to the gate of his house. Do you people get what I am saying?????? I was on the exact road that Barry drives up every day to get to his home!!!! I was at the gate that he goes through to drive his car into his garage!!! I was on holy ground as far as every Fanilow in America is concerned. I would have gotten out of the car, risked being shot at by security guards, jumped on the wall surrounding his house and screamed, "BAAAAAARRRRRRYYYYYYY", but I didn't want my friends to realize that I had lost all sense of reality just by being on that driveway so instead I said, "Cool".
We then drove off and abandoned all hope of Barry seeing me out there yelling his name and thinking to himself, 'I should invite her in for a drink because she doesn't look at all like a crazy woman'.