Please "luxuriate" over this post!

I know that I need to stop watching reality tv---- it is like passing an accident on the highway... you know that you shouldn't look over there because you don't really want to see something that might scar you for life but no matter how hard you try avoid it, you know in the end that you are going to take a good long look.

I do okay with not watching regular network reality tv.....'The Bachelor' holds no interest whatsoever for me....but put a reality show on E! or on Bravo and you can bet that no matter how much I swear that I will not get caught up in it, I'll be setting my DVR before I can even finish saying, "Oh my goodness, they have gone too far now...no one will ever watch THAT show!"

I watch all the housewives shows....there isn't a state out there who's crazy egomaniac women with money don't fascinate me beyond words, but I honestly have surprised even myself with my newest "must see" show......

Please tell me you have watched this show at least once!!!

I go INSANE watching this show because it makes all of us from the south seem like complete and total idiots. These women LIVE for these pageants...they spend thousands of dollars on fake hair, fake teeth, fake tans, tons of makeup and ridiculously poufy dresses all in hope that they can take home a crown and a grand prize of less cash than what it cost them to buy all the crap they had to buy to make their sweet faced little girls look like 20 year old drag queens.

But the part that really bothers me is how dumb some of these woman sound when they talk. This week my new favorite phrase came from a mom who said things like, "she is going to luxuriate across the stage" or showed her daughter how to walk the stage by saying, "let me luxuriate for you right now". Lord help us all!!! How, just HOW do you "luxuriate" for someone????? Those pageant fees would be better spent going towards a college fund for that poor girl to overcome the language that she is being taught.

Now, if you will excuse me...I have to go luxuriate my way over to the high school to pick up my daughter and get her started in the pageant world!

I forgot I had a blog....so sue me!

You know how sometimes life just gets busy and you forget things?? You know, basic things like feeding the dog, doing the laundry, the fact that you have kids.....that kind of stuff??
No???
Yeah, me either.
But I did kind of forget that I had a blog out there waiting for me. I signed on today hoping that a ghost writer had filled in for me during my absence....no such luck!

Not much new going on here, but I have a few quick updates to my ridiculously exciting life to tell you about.

~~~We had another earthquake......which is no longer funny! I'm really not okay with the feeling of the earth moving, just so you know!

~~~In less than two weeks school is going to be out for the summer and I am going to become nothing more than a taxi driver who works for no tips.....yay summer!

~~~My husband and I went to Palm Springs for the weekend with some friends. We had a great time, but since I was with another couple I had to be on my best behavior....I couldn't let them know what a stalker I really am.
See, Barry Manilow lives in Palm Springs and through nothing illegal, I happen to have his address (don't ask). I wasn't sure that his house was going to be close to where we were staying so I wasn't really planning to go drive by (or scale the wall and sneak up to the door claiming to be a pizza delivery person so that I could try to catch a glimpse of the man who, long ago, was supposed to eye me in one of his concerts and ask me to spend the rest of my life with him and possibly his boyfriend). However, when I put the address in my navigation system it showed that we were only five minutes away from the man who has been a part of my life since the first time I heard Copacabana in elementary school and sat at the edge of my bed waiting to hear who, just WHO died by that single gunshot.....Tony or Ricco??????
So, since it was only five minutes away we (me) decided to drive up to the gate of his house. Do you people get what I am saying?????? I was on the exact road that Barry drives up every day to get to his home!!!! I was at the gate that he goes through to drive his car into his garage!!! I was on holy ground as far as every Fanilow in America is concerned. I would have gotten out of the car, risked being shot at by security guards, jumped on the wall surrounding his house and screamed, "BAAAAAARRRRRRYYYYYYY", but I didn't want my friends to realize that I had lost all sense of reality just by being on that driveway so instead I said, "Cool".
We then drove off and abandoned all hope of Barry seeing me out there yelling his name and thinking to himself, 'I should invite her in for a drink because she doesn't look at all like a crazy woman'.

C'mon time, stop flying by....please!!!!

One of my baby girls is turning 15 today.......and as much as I am ridiculously proud of the young woman she has become, this is still what I expect to see every morning when she gets out of bed.

Please let Ashton Kutcher be behind this!

Please, please, please tell me that we are being punked and that there is no truth to the rumor that these are the mascots of the London Summer Olympics.

Honestly, I don't even know where to start.....the one eyed monsters, the blue crotch, the lobster claws on one and the oven mitts on the other.....are they Olympic mascots or some kind of weird drug induced warped sex statement??

C'mon, it's a joke right???? I really need this to be a joke!

A three pound murderer!!!!!

Okay, so you know how Larry the Lemon tree died even though we could never really figure out why???......and now we have Larry Deux, who is flourishing in the loving environment of our home????

Well.....the other day my husband went outside to do something and said that the back yard smelled bad. I went out there to check it out and he was right, it smelled like poo (literally, like poo). We searched all over the yard and finally decided that one of the neighbors must have fertilized with manure.

Then later my husband went back out to grill dinner and he came stomping in the house looking for our poor, helpless, teeny tiny teacup poodle who would NEVER hurt a fly and would break down in tears if you so much as suggested that he had done something wrong. My husband was all.."BAD BOY, BAD BAD BOY....you are trying to kill Larry" so I immediately went into mommy protective mode and swooped up my poor baby boy and asked what in the world was going on.

I guess that while grilling, my hubby had walked over to check on Larry and noticed that the smell was especially strong right near my beautiful Lemon Tree. He then looked into the pan under the pot and saw this.....and he jumped to the very mean, awful, horrifically wrong conclusion that my poor little baby boy must be peeing in the drain pan and that was why it smelled so bad. He is also convinced that Remi is doing it on purpose to try to kill Larry because of jealousy over my affection for Larry. I'm not really convinced that it looks like pee to me, but my husband was very convinced and VERY irritated.

Next thing I know, he is putting something under Larry to raise him out of 'pee reach' of our poor little innocent dog.

I personally think it might be overkill.......and in all honesty, my theory is that the fertilizer in Larry's soil is probably just draining down into the pan and it has nothing to do with the poor puppy who is being accused, but I can't be sure so I am just going to let Remi speak for himself...

Okay then, that is good enough for me

DMV OMG!!!

As we all know, I finally went to the DMV to get my California driver's license (as a reminder in case you forgot---I made a 100 on my test).

Well, the wait for my license has been nothing if not eventful.

First, I noticed that even though the copy of my license that I approved and signed showed that I was indeed female....somehow by the time it got to the final copy I had apparently undergone a sex change operation and was now a male.

Now don't get me wrong, I love the men in my life.....but under no circumstances do I want to be one of them......I enjoy being neat, putting things away where they belong, asking for directions, freely admitting when I am lost, keeping the toilet seat down like God intended and not having to kill spiders too much to ever covet being a guy.

Soooo, I called the DMV to explain their error to them......thus beginning my journey to understanding why everyone says the California DMV is horribly, horribly bad!!!

They told me that I needed to get back to the DMV within 24 hours so that they could fix the problem before they went into deep financial despair by actually sending me an unnecessary license.

I, being the obedient child that I always have been, went to the DMV the very next morning only to have to wait for 2 freakin' hours for the person to take approximately one second of their time to return me to my fabulous status of a female. (chorus of angels singing inserted here)

So, that's it....the license came and we all lived happily ever after right?

Yeah, not so much. My license came in the mail yesterday.....my name, my address, my birthday, my weight (I hate you for that California), my donor status and my lovely picture.....oh wait.....that isn't my face....that is someone else's face. Someone else's picture is on my driver license. WTF?????

I called the DMV again, and was again told that I needed to get this fixed AS SOON AS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE......so.....today I was off to the DMV for another long wait and another promised fix to the DMV's mess up.

Anyone want to take any guesses as to how they will screw it up next time???

Geez, if this is how they treat those of us who make a 100 on our written tests can you imagine how they treat the rest of the poor saps??

Surviving the coconut

You know how sometimes you sit down to watch tv and you find yourself really intrigued by something that you didn't think would have intrigued you at all? Well, that is what has happened to me the last several times we sat down to watch 'Survivor'. I am sure that I am a lone freak in this, but every single time I see them cutting up a coconut, cooking it and then standing around eating it while they plot someone's demise I can't help but wonder if it tastes good or if the repulsiveness of eating a cooked coconut is what is making them all so cranky.

After several trips to grocery store where I longingly looked at the coconuts, I finally decided that I had to know the answer to the question of what a grilled coconut tasted like.



So......we bought a coconut.......

......we cut it up into pieces......

.....we stuck it on the grill with our chicken and zucchini.....

...and it was HORRIBLE!!! I mean really, really horrible! The kind of horrible that had my husband spitting it into the yard and my children calling CPS and begging to be taken away from me.

So, just in case you were sitting around watching Survivor and wondering if you should try to grill up some coconut because it looks like the survivors are enjoying theirs, try to remember that they are STARVING and would cook and eat a lizard if it crossed their path.

Hmmmmm, I wonder what a grilled lizard would taste like...........