Please let Ashton Kutcher be behind this!

Please, please, please tell me that we are being punked and that there is no truth to the rumor that these are the mascots of the London Summer Olympics.

Honestly, I don't even know where to start.....the one eyed monsters, the blue crotch, the lobster claws on one and the oven mitts on the other.....are they Olympic mascots or some kind of weird drug induced warped sex statement??

C'mon, it's a joke right???? I really need this to be a joke!

A three pound murderer!!!!!

Okay, so you know how Larry the Lemon tree died even though we could never really figure out why???......and now we have Larry Deux, who is flourishing in the loving environment of our home????

Well.....the other day my husband went outside to do something and said that the back yard smelled bad. I went out there to check it out and he was right, it smelled like poo (literally, like poo). We searched all over the yard and finally decided that one of the neighbors must have fertilized with manure.

Then later my husband went back out to grill dinner and he came stomping in the house looking for our poor, helpless, teeny tiny teacup poodle who would NEVER hurt a fly and would break down in tears if you so much as suggested that he had done something wrong. My husband was all.."BAD BOY, BAD BAD BOY....you are trying to kill Larry" so I immediately went into mommy protective mode and swooped up my poor baby boy and asked what in the world was going on.

I guess that while grilling, my hubby had walked over to check on Larry and noticed that the smell was especially strong right near my beautiful Lemon Tree. He then looked into the pan under the pot and saw this.....and he jumped to the very mean, awful, horrifically wrong conclusion that my poor little baby boy must be peeing in the drain pan and that was why it smelled so bad. He is also convinced that Remi is doing it on purpose to try to kill Larry because of jealousy over my affection for Larry. I'm not really convinced that it looks like pee to me, but my husband was very convinced and VERY irritated.

Next thing I know, he is putting something under Larry to raise him out of 'pee reach' of our poor little innocent dog.

I personally think it might be overkill.......and in all honesty, my theory is that the fertilizer in Larry's soil is probably just draining down into the pan and it has nothing to do with the poor puppy who is being accused, but I can't be sure so I am just going to let Remi speak for himself...

Okay then, that is good enough for me

DMV OMG!!!

As we all know, I finally went to the DMV to get my California driver's license (as a reminder in case you forgot---I made a 100 on my test).

Well, the wait for my license has been nothing if not eventful.

First, I noticed that even though the copy of my license that I approved and signed showed that I was indeed female....somehow by the time it got to the final copy I had apparently undergone a sex change operation and was now a male.

Now don't get me wrong, I love the men in my life.....but under no circumstances do I want to be one of them......I enjoy being neat, putting things away where they belong, asking for directions, freely admitting when I am lost, keeping the toilet seat down like God intended and not having to kill spiders too much to ever covet being a guy.

Soooo, I called the DMV to explain their error to them......thus beginning my journey to understanding why everyone says the California DMV is horribly, horribly bad!!!

They told me that I needed to get back to the DMV within 24 hours so that they could fix the problem before they went into deep financial despair by actually sending me an unnecessary license.

I, being the obedient child that I always have been, went to the DMV the very next morning only to have to wait for 2 freakin' hours for the person to take approximately one second of their time to return me to my fabulous status of a female. (chorus of angels singing inserted here)

So, that's it....the license came and we all lived happily ever after right?

Yeah, not so much. My license came in the mail yesterday.....my name, my address, my birthday, my weight (I hate you for that California), my donor status and my lovely picture.....oh wait.....that isn't my face....that is someone else's face. Someone else's picture is on my driver license. WTF?????

I called the DMV again, and was again told that I needed to get this fixed AS SOON AS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE......so.....today I was off to the DMV for another long wait and another promised fix to the DMV's mess up.

Anyone want to take any guesses as to how they will screw it up next time???

Geez, if this is how they treat those of us who make a 100 on our written tests can you imagine how they treat the rest of the poor saps??

Surviving the coconut

You know how sometimes you sit down to watch tv and you find yourself really intrigued by something that you didn't think would have intrigued you at all? Well, that is what has happened to me the last several times we sat down to watch 'Survivor'. I am sure that I am a lone freak in this, but every single time I see them cutting up a coconut, cooking it and then standing around eating it while they plot someone's demise I can't help but wonder if it tastes good or if the repulsiveness of eating a cooked coconut is what is making them all so cranky.

After several trips to grocery store where I longingly looked at the coconuts, I finally decided that I had to know the answer to the question of what a grilled coconut tasted like.



So......we bought a coconut.......

......we cut it up into pieces......

.....we stuck it on the grill with our chicken and zucchini.....

...and it was HORRIBLE!!! I mean really, really horrible! The kind of horrible that had my husband spitting it into the yard and my children calling CPS and begging to be taken away from me.

So, just in case you were sitting around watching Survivor and wondering if you should try to grill up some coconut because it looks like the survivors are enjoying theirs, try to remember that they are STARVING and would cook and eat a lizard if it crossed their path.

Hmmmmm, I wonder what a grilled lizard would taste like...........

I will legally drive you crazy!

First off I am going to need everyone to keep this on the down low because I was not supposed to wait this long to do this. I have now lived in California for about 9 months while refusing to give up my Texas driver's license because it was kind of my last bit of hope that I could still call Texas my home. The state of California feels like I should have been willing to make the switcharoo to a California license within five days of moving here....um, yeah....I didn't quite make that cut off.

So, after surviving my first earthquake (barely) and after living here through all the seasons (Fall, Fall, Spring and Oh My Freaking God the weather here is amazing) I decided that it was time to become legal.

I was a bit freaked about the whole thing. I mean let's get real here, I haven't taken a written driving test since my 16th birthday and that was a few years ago...and by a few, I mean that not even the elder George Bush was president yet.

To make matters worse, my husband had taken his test months ago and had passed with flying colors and my 19 year old daughter was going to be taking her test at the same time as me. All I kept thinking was that she was going to have to drive me home after the nice DMV people stripped me of my Texas license and told me that I was a failure who shouldn't be getting anywhere near the steering wheel of a car.

So.....I took a few practice tests, spent the night having nightmares and then woke up and figured that there was really no need to worry about my hair or my outfit since the picture that was going to be taken of me would only be used in future DMV training classes with the word "FAILURE" stamped across it.

And then I took the test and waited and waited and waited until they called my name and showed me this.....

Yeah, that's right people......I got a 100 on my test. Take that you scrawny 16 year old boy who was taking your test with all the confidence of a.....well, of a 16 year old boy! Take that old man who failed the test the first TWO times you took it therefore convincing me that I was certainly going to fail mine too. Take that woman who was taking so damn long to take your test that you had me freaking out that it must be written in some wierd foriegn language. Take that my dear husband and my precious 19 year old, both of whom I schooled on this test.

Please people, don't crowd around asking for my autograph, it's just embarrassing. Do however take solice in knowing that the road is a safer place if I am on it!

Dancing With the (people who desperately wish they were) Stars

I can't say that I enjoy 'Dancing With the Stars' which is kind of funny because I love other dance shows. There is just something about this show that I don't really care for.....I have tried to like it, and occasionally I will watch it and cheer for some old nostalgic actor or singer, but overall I'm not a fan.

That being said, I do watch other tv and therefore I hear all about DWTS on a daily basis. Which brings me to today's rant......Kate Gosselin.

Okay, let's review here--she had a reality tv show with her husband and her 8 kids, she came off as a mean, overbearing, bossy, know it all crab. Her husband became a total and complete freak of nature who thought that it was okay to date other people while still married. To continue his reign of craziness he decided he was 19 again, started dressing like an idiot and began dating girls at his emotional age instead of his real age. All of a sudden, we all felt sorry for K.to.the.Razy Kate and we forgave her and pretty much forgot about what a loon she really was.

Then she goes and puts herself on Dancing With the Stars.

Not a great move Kate because now we remember.....you are bossy, you think you are always right, you don't even try to speak to people nicely, you like to make it seem like you are much more important, busy and popular than you really are, you act like a diva only you really don't have a reason to be one and not that it matters in the rest of your life but...you have no rhythm. I have no problem with the fact that you need to earn a living to support your kids but please, when you have the sympathy of the world on your side, do not put yourself in the position of reminding everyone what a bossy mcboster you really are. Please I am begging you, find a way to soften your image again because I can not stand the thought of this man becoming the good guy in this divorce.

EARTHQUAKE!!!!!!!

Okay, so it happened.....what I have been dreading since the day I moved here. An earthquake! For those of you not familiar with the feeling of an earthquake....THE FREAKING EARTH MOVED!!!!!

It was crazy! We were outside at an Easter picnic and all of a sudden the table started moving. I looked around at the people sitting with me and it didn't seem like any of them were the type that would grab the table and shake it just for the sake of annoying the rest of us, but I just kind of pulled my arms off of the table so that the ridiculous moving would stop.....only it didn't. Which is when I finally realized that it wasn't the table that was moving, it was THE EARTH!!!!

Have I made myself clear here people.....the ground that we walk on, the ground that is supposed to be stable....the ground that when you get off of a boat you kiss it and thank mother nature for making something that is solid and forever there and stable for you.....only it isn't because apparently it can just up and move whenever it feels like it.

So I spent the next few days in kind of an earthquake hangover.....trying to figure out how I really felt about it and wondering why in the world the earth would betray us this way. I got my answer a few days later when my husband and I were in Vegas for the night. There, in the middle of all of the marquees showing half dressed girls and advertising topless shows was a big ol' sign for this............

Nooooooooo, Donny and Marie...you aren't supposed to be in Vegas!!! You are a Branson kind of show. We don't want to see any pelvic thrusts from Donny, we don't want to see Marie in skimpy clothes. Go back to familyville Donny and Marie please before mother nature sees this

and shakes the heck out of us again!